Holidays – The Possible World

“The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, author of On Death and Dying

As I was travelling back to Buffalo, NY from my hometown, I was Facebook chatting with my friend and fellow activist Leslie about loneliness. We fell on the subject because I wanted to find a support group for single women in Buffalo. Let’s face it, there is not very much support for those who “fly solo” for whatever reason. The holidays are especially difficult for single people because Christmas, Thanksgiving and even Halloween gear towards spreading the nuclear family love. And for many of us, it’s just not that damn possible.

But anyway, Leslie and I talked about the holidays, how we single women NEED to create our own traditions so living life as a solo artist won’t be so–I don’t know–controversial. So I came up with the idea that she and I should create a social/support group for single women in the Western New York area. It wouldn’t be a dating group, but one that helps single, beautiful, creative, intelligent, strong women meet up and be human.

So the Facebook group “Living Single” emerged.

So far, about 21 single women joined this private group and everyone is grateful for it. As I mentioned earlier, the world is not created for the solo artist. And according to the media, certain religious communities, self-help professionals and our ever-wonderful society, the woman is somehow to blame for her own solitude… and cats are often involved (don’t ask me why. I got nothin’).

So we created the group to combat such nonsense. A couple of weeks after “Living Single” launched, some of us finally met for the first time! At a coffee shop called Spot Coffee, myself and three other women just gathered around and talked about everything. We spoke about the importance of the group, creepy dating sites, our careers and corporate greed. We talked about the Monkees and our love for them, Davy Jones and how Peter Tork is the ultimate Boom Cat…well I talked about how Peter Tork is the ultimate Boom Cat *sighs smiling.*

But most of all, we talked about how women like us need to stick together. We talked about how we (or any single person for that matter) should not have to lower their standards in order to be with someone. We shared stories of people who tried to use us for their own sexual desires, only to discover that the person was unfaithful to their wife or significant other. One of the reasons why “Living Single” exists is so we can protect each other from such craziness.

I tell you all this, Reader, is because I feel that single women–especially those who were victimized in the past–need to have support. In the real world, being single is equated to the demise of Vanilla Ice’s career. We (single men and women) are often told that we are only a worthy person when we are with someone. This message hits trauma survivors even harder between the eyes because we already feel defective, have trust issues or feel are incapable of loving or accepting love. I write this to tell you that being in a relationship does not make you some Upright Citizen or make your issues disappear. Embracing who you are–celebrating your geeky/nerdy/tall/skinny/fat/curvy/loud/quiet/political/etc.self and everything that come with all of that–is the only way to live. Only when you do that will you be able to embrace your singlehood. Single people are beautiful people and we have the right to live in this world peacefully with a cat. We are not to believe the lies about us being worthless individuals simply because we choose not to settle. If anything, being single actually defies society’s definition of what a human being is! And anything that defies societal standards is good enough for me.

And think about it. You could be like this man here, who’s been married since 1997:

God bless him.

Operation Reboot: Starting Over in 2013

January 2, 2013January 2, 2013 AgentMason81Leave a comment

” It’s impossible to go back and start all over, that’s why God gives us the privilege of a new day, so we can make amend and start a new life. Happy new year and Happy new you. ”

Blaze Olamiday, rapper

Ladies and gentlecats,

My New Year’s Eve started off all kinds of wrong.

I was on the verge of going out to hang out with friends when I was finally hit with a cold and the fatigue that came with it. Since I’m often in my room engulfed in Netflix and Star Trek slash, I was hoping for a change of scenery. Instead, I’m blowing snot out of my nose and watching Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan while knitting my friend’s scarf (dear friend, your scarf is snot-free, so do not fret…though I’ll wash it for your sake).

Despite the fact that I was comfortable in my cocoon of a room, I noticed that I was plagued with loneliness. I stayed home on New Years Eve before, but I usually had at least two or three people around. This time, it was me and only me (excluding the crew of the Starship Enterprise) and I felt an emptiness I haven’t felt in a while. And it didn’t feel festive at all. I don’t have a significant other, so there was no New Years kiss and I’m sick as I’m writing this, so I can’t be around people at the moment. So, I’m thinking to myself that my life is a no-good mess.

Or is it?

For a while, I questioned myself and everything I thought, said and did, wondering if it was based on reality or my perception of it. I looked in the mirror and wondered if this is what I wanted to look like, why do I not want to be healthy. I even question my perception of humility and whether I mistook lack of confidence as such. The truth is that I knew I needed to change–my inner spirit is pushing me to make the changes needed. However, I was too afraid of what (and who) I was going to become, so I did nothing. As time goes by, I find that I have no choice but to change.

In other words, it’s time for Operation Reboot.

Operation Reboot is something I tend to experience at around this time of year–a way to start off fresh. I know I can start over at anytime, but there’s something about January 1 that makes sense. I can build myself anew starting today. I am not talking about resolutions or anything of that sort, but for me it is finally realizing that I cannot hide from true change. This year, my desire is to completely reboot myself–to become a whole different person as far as how I feel about myself, my existence and the world. As I stated before, I questioned everything that involved my perception of myself and the world. That perception no longer serves me and letting my Dark Passenger hanging around doesn’t help, either.

It also doesn’t make sense to base my self worth on how many books I read, what I don’t know, who I know and who I should be dating. It’s illogical to fear human intimacy because no one is out to get me–not that I know of. But most of all, I will not feed into this societal nonsense that I have to assimilate into a culture that doesn’t even want me (or other people of color) to succeed. I now embrace my Blackness and I will not let anyone chip away at it. Simply because.

So if you’re not doing something, do something now that you enjoy or always wanted to do. This year, I am going skydiving in the summer, which is something I have always wanted to do. I will also be taking care of my body–not to lose weight but to be healthy so I’m not sick all the time. I will keep you posted on that.

I need to cut this short, Readers, because I have a headache from all the coughing. However, I want you to know that this is the time to start over–truly start over. We don’t have to wait anymore nor do we have to make big changes all at once. It’s a one day at a time type of deal and we need to take our time. To build a support system when we’re down and out.

Until next time, live long and prosper *Vulcan salute*