Hey ladies and gentlecats,
It’s been a couple of years (maybe three) since I’ve posted and I thought the last entry would be the last time I’d ever post in The Possible World.
I have told myself that I no longer want to focus on my shortcomings and be “more positive,” therefore discontinuing the blog in order to move on from speaking about trauma. However, so much has happened over time and I realize that I am keeping the worst of it to myself or posting it on Facebook instead of writing it down. In fact, it has taken me being terminated from two jobs in 2015, an emotional break and missed opportunities to see the truth: that I have been avoiding the inevitable in order to deem myself a “good social worker,” “good volunteer,” “woke activist,” and so on. That I feared accepting the good, the bad, and the absolutely horrendous as is.
The truth is that I’m falling apart. My mental health has grown steadily worse over the years. This is what happens when you avoid your trauma head-on by engaging in all things unhealthy, be it relationships, friendships, excess food, compulsive sex, hair pulling or whatever your vice may be. Due to pursuing my education and engaging in radical politics, I could keep my Dark Passenger at bay. I am able to get work done to some degree and act like a functioning human being, but by the end of the day, I have known that I have been playing a role and have lost myself.
After graduating with a Masters in Social Work, I fall into a deep depression because I cannot find a job in my field. With the combination of unemployment and the inability to concentrate on anything, the first action I think of involves taking my own life. If it were not for my Nichiren Buddhist practice, I would be dead.
In other words, the armor that has protected me for all these years have begun to rust and slowly fall to pieces.
Not all my experiences are abysmal: in January, I have published my very first novella, The One Taken from the Sea of Stars under my pen name, Octavia Davis. On Wednesdays, I host my own local radio show, The Bonfire Talks (which can also be found on MixCloud). I’m opening my own online business called Bennie Hats & Company, and I’m the proud mother of a cat named Tobias McCoy Mason.
Despite the handful of positivity present in my life, the anxiety still churns in the pit of my stomach, followed by this feeling that someone or something is after me. That some strand of darkness is reaching out to entrap me to strangle the life out of me. I’ll explain in other entries, but I’m going to be real here: my mental illness does not want me to live and I know that. It’s almost to the point where the Dark Passenger—the negativity brought on by my mental health issues are on the verge of killing me.
On the flipside, I know that sooner or later, I am ready to truly face reality—MY reality for what it is. My reality as I know it is imploding and there’s really nothing I can do but accept it. And I figure that writing about it and chanting for my own sanity will help—and even encourage me to believe that there’s an eventual end in sight.
I hope you read and understand.