My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on.
– Forrest Gump
I accidentally found out that one of my exes is married.
I wrote about him a few times on here, but every once in a while, I happen to stumble upon either mentally and emotionally. But this time? It was through Facebook.
I needed to re-add someone to the “Leonard H. McCoy” fan page I admin and, after realizing I blocked her from my personal account, I went to the searched for, found and scrolled down to the “Privacy Settings” before clicking on the link. Sure enough, I found and unblocked the person I was looking for. However, my eyes also fell upon “Indiana’s” and name and that of his…now wife?
For some reason, I thought to myself “No…really?” Out of curiosity, I unblocked him and went to his profile. It had been a couple of years since I even laid eyes on anything pertaining to him.
But as I looked at those pictures–TRULY examined them–I saw that he was happy, his eyes illuminating with contentment, holding the hand of the woman he is most likely going to spend the rest of his life with.
I noticed that I wasn’t bitter or felt a smoldering heat rise within my body. What I felt was heart ache and a sadness that was soul deep. And it had nothing to do with him.
Let me explain. I was not in love with him and time helped realized that we were not meant to be–we were totally two different people. But I have to admit that I used him as a human shield to protect me from myself–from my feelings of inadequacy and self-proclaimed worthlessness. I assured myself with a shadow of confidence that, because he slept with me more than once and told me he loved me, that I didn’t need to fix myself or face my Dark Passenger. Since Indiana was here, I didn’t need or want anything else to protect me.
So when he left, it was one of the most anxiety-ridden periods in my life and one of the most devastating. He not only left (though I knew he was going to. He hated New York State), but he left me…with me. And the Dark Passenger, who wants me spiritually and physically dead.
Hence, when I found out about his new relationship, I made sure that we were engaged in many a fallout. I was angry at his then new girlfriend for “taking my shield.” That was what pissed me off the most, not the fact that he moved on and he wasn’t there to protect me anymore. No one was there. At 29, I was left with me, my Dark Passenger and my own fears of constantly fighting my emotional demons.
Fast forward to four years. I am at my internship looking at this happy married couple on the computer screen during my break, quickly wiping away tears, wondering why this keeps happening: either getting involved with someone, only to have the relationship end and months later see them be happy with someone else or me wanting to get involved with them, but they end being with someone else. I found myself wondering whether or not I was even relationship or marriage material, so flawed and broken that potential partners sense my character defects and therefore wanted no part of me.
At the same time, the responsibility ultimately falls on my shoulders. When I was with Indiana, I was also very active in my sex addiction. Though we cared about each other at the time, I attempted to hold our relationship together with sex. This seemed to be the case for all my relationships because I simply didn’t know any better. Now I do and, at 32 years of age, I now acknowledge and feel in my heart that it’s my responsibility and a gift to myself to finally move on, doing the work needed to be at peace with myself. Which means I accept who I am–good, bad, indifferent–and know in my heart that there’s more to me than heartache. It means that I view myself as flawed but not broken and that my past is something I can’t do anything about but to learn from. It means that, in order to be with myself or anyone else, I have to live life–embrace it with a heart devoid of hopelessness, self-proclaimed unworthiness and self-doubt. I am not branded, insane or sick. I never was. A few friends told me that people stay in our lives for a reason, a season and a lifetime and Indiana was a seasonal person. In fact, all my relationships were with seasonals and, until I make the necessary changes in my life, I will never meet a lifetime partner. I accept this fact now and the seasonals only taught me that I deserve better than what they were capable of giving me.
There is nothing wrong with me.
I’m glad I saw those pictures. It gives me the opportunity to realize that I too can move on now. I don’t have to hold onto him or deem myself broken. If he can start over with a completely clean slate, I don’t see why I cannot. But I also understand that it’s ok to grieve. I talked about my relationship with Indiana, I never fully grieved. I would cry, harass and berate, but I never grieved. Now I feel I can do that without self-judgement, but not let it cripple me, either. Lastly, I have the support of close friends, family, Spirit and my spirit guides. They were always there, but they were all waiting for me wake up and embrace my True Personal and Spiritual Power.
In other words, it’s ok to love and be loved. To begin embracing all that I am. To live long