You’re Not a Vanilla Ice: Embracing Your Singlehood And Yourself

“The most beautiful people I’ve known are those who have known trials, have known struggles, have known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.” 
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, author of On Death and Dying

As I was travelling back to Buffalo, NY from my hometown, I was Facebook chatting with my friend and fellow activist Leslie about loneliness.  We fell on the subject because I wanted to find a support group for single women in Buffalo. Let’s face it, there is not very much support for those who “fly solo” for whatever reason.  The holidays are especially difficult for single people because Christmas, Thanksgiving and even Halloween gear towards spreading the nuclear family love.  And for many of us, it’s just not that damn possible.

But anyway, Leslie and I talked about the holidays, how we single women NEED to create our own traditions so living life as a solo artist won’t be so–I don’t know–controversial.  So I came up with the idea that she and I should create a social/support group for single women in the Western New York area.  It wouldn’t be a dating group, but one that helps single, beautiful, creative, intelligent, strong women meet up and be human.

So the Facebook group “Living Single” emerged.

So far, about 21 single women joined this private group and everyone is grateful for it.  As I mentioned earlier, the world is not created for the solo artist.  And according to the media, certain religious communities, self-help professionals and our ever-wonderful society, the woman is somehow to blame for her own solitude… and cats are often involved (don’t ask me why.  I got nothin’).

So we created the group to combat such nonsense. A couple of weeks after “Living Single” launched, some of us finally met for the first time!  At a coffee shop called Spot Coffee, myself and three other women just gathered around and talked about everything.  We spoke about the importance of the group, creepy dating sites, our careers and corporate greed.  We talked about the Monkees and our love for them, Davy Jones and how Peter Tork is the ultimate Boom Cat…well I talked about how Peter Tork is the ultimate Boom Cat *sighs smiling.*

But most of all, we talked about how women like us need to stick together.  We talked about how we (or any single person for that matter) should not have to lower their standards in order to be with someone.  We shared stories of people who tried to use us for their own sexual desires, only to discover that the person was unfaithful to their wife or significant other. One of the reasons why “Living Single” exists is so we can protect each other from such craziness.

I tell you all this, Reader, is because I feel that single women–especially those who were victimized in the past–need to have support.  In the real world, being single is equated to the demise of Vanilla Ice’s career.  We (single men and women) are often told that we are only a worthy person when we are with someone.  This message hits trauma survivors even harder between the eyes because we already feel defective, have trust issues or feel are incapable of loving or accepting love.  I write this to tell you that being in a relationship does not make you some Upright Citizen or make your issues disappear.  Embracing who you are–celebrating your geeky/nerdy/tall/skinny/fat/curvy/loud/quiet/political/etc.self and everything that come with all of that–is the only way to live.  Only when you do that will you be able to embrace your singlehood. Single people are beautiful people and we have the right to live in this world peacefully with a cat.  We are not to believe the lies  about us being worthless individuals simply because we choose not to settle.  If anything, being single actually defies society’s definition of what a human being is!  And anything that defies societal standards is good enough for me.

And think about it.  You could be like this man here, who’s been married since 1997:


God bless him.


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