” It’s impossible to go back and start all over, that’s why God gives us the privilege of a new day, so we can make amend and start a new life. Happy new year and Happy new you. ”
Blaze Olamiday, rapper
Ladies and gentlecats,
My New Year’s Eve started off all kinds of wrong.
I was on the verge of going out to hang out with friends when I was finally hit with a cold and the fatigue that came with it. Since I’m often in my room engulfed in Netflix and Star Trek slash, I was hoping for a change of scenery. Instead, I’m blowing snot out of my nose and watching Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan while knitting my friend’s scarf (dear friend, your scarf is snot-free, so do not fret…though I’ll wash it for your sake).
Despite the fact that I was comfortable in my cocoon of a room, I noticed that I was plagued with loneliness. I stayed home on New Years Eve before, but I usually had at least two or three people around. This time, it was me and only me (excluding the crew of the Starship Enterprise) and I felt an emptiness I haven’t felt in a while. And it didn’t feel festive at all. I don’t have a significant other, so there was no New Years kiss and I’m sick as I’m writing this, so I can’t be around people at the moment. So, I’m thinking to myself that my life is a no-good mess.
Or is it?
For a while, I questioned myself and everything I thought, said and did, wondering if it was based on reality or my perception of it. I looked in the mirror and wondered if this is what I wanted to look like, why do I not want to be healthy. I even question my perception of humility and whether I mistook lack of confidence as such. The truth is that I knew I needed to change–my inner spirit is pushing me to make the changes needed. However, I was too afraid of what (and who) I was going to become, so I did nothing. As time goes by, I find that I have no choice but to change.
In other words, it’s time for Operation Reboot.
Operation Reboot is something I tend to experience at around this time of year–a way to start off fresh. I know I can start over at anytime, but there’s something about January 1 that makes sense. I can build myself anew starting today. I am not talking about resolutions or anything of that sort, but for me it is finally realizing that I cannot hide from true change. This year, my desire is to completely reboot myself–to become a whole different person as far as how I feel about myself, my existence and the world. As I stated before, I questioned everything that involved my perception of myself and the world. That perception no longer serves me and letting my Dark Passenger hanging around doesn’t help, either.
It also doesn’t make sense to base my self worth on how many books I read, what I don’t know, who I know and who I should be dating. It’s illogical to fear human intimacy because no one is out to get me–not that I know of. But most of all, I will not feed into this societal nonsense that I have to assimilate into a culture that doesn’t even want me (or other people of color) to succeed. I now embrace my Blackness and I will not let anyone chip away at it. Simply because.
So if you’re not doing something, do something now that you enjoy or always wanted to do. This year, I am going skydiving in the summer, which is something I have always wanted to do. I will also be taking care of my body–not to lose weight but to be healthy so I’m not sick all the time. I will keep you posted on that.
I need to cut this short, Readers, because I have a headache from all the coughing. However, I want you to know that this is the time to start over–truly start over. We don’t have to wait anymore nor do we have to make big changes all at once. It’s a one day at a time type of deal and we need to take our time. To build a support system when we’re down and out.
Until next time, live long and prosper *Vulcan salute*