“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson, a spiritual activist, author, lecturer and founder of The Peace Alliance
I was doing my 4th Step this past weekend for the first time in over a month. I can use the excuse that heavy textbooks and Star Trek: the Classic Series got in the way, but we all know that doesn’t stick for too long. So this past Saturday was the time to do it. I sat on my bed, picked up my pen, created the appropriate columns and began writing who or what I resented, the cause, what part of me has been affected and my part in the issues I focused on.
After about 15 minutes (or perhaps a bit longer), I had to shut my journal and push aside my 4th Step because I became so overcome by my own emotions that I couldn’t go on. I knew that tears were going to emerge, but not to the point where I didn’t want to leave my room. So I ended up calling my sponsor and telling her who I was upset with and why.
Though I have been burned by more than my share of people (and vise versa), the main reason why I cried in my room, Reader, is because I still reside in a constant state of fear. Though I am not paralyzed by it as I used to be, I still have this feeling that someone or something is after me and mine or that I am somehow going to fail at something. Fear shows up in every part of my life–school, my jobs, my activism and even in my personal life. I don’t even date very often–if at all–because trust is something I don’t give out too easily anymore. I try to run away from fear itself, but The Dark Passenger and I have been together for as long as I can remember. We were pretty much like this:
But, as I do my 4th Step, my life is becoming like this:
Readers, I do not want to live this way. People think I am quiet and reserved when the fact is I would be a complete extrovert if I did not fear judgment. I hate this existence and there is so much of my world I would love to share with people, which is why I am working on my life so fuckin’ hard right now. The reason why I am telling you this is because many people who have lived through trauma live (or have lived) in this constant state of fear. Instead of living up to our full potential, we sabotage ourselves and everything that pertains to us. We trap ourselves when we don’t have to simply because we fear the responsibility that comes with success. What is even worse is that we mistake fear and insecurity for humility. I am beginning to realize and understand that Spirit did not place me on this Earth to shrink in fear.
I know it will take time to overcome this. But at least I am making the changes necessary to not fear to the point of not recognizing my own light.
Wikiquote (2012). Marianne Williamson. Retrieved from http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Marianne_Williamson