Let Go and Let God: Relinquishing My Role as Director


“Think…

“But for the grace of God…

“Let go and let God…

“Remember when…

“Easy does it…

“Live and let live…

“First things first…

I am responsible”

–Slogans of Alcoholics Anonymous

I went to an AA meeting tonight in Lockport, New York and the topic tonight was about those very slogans.  Of course, people shared after picking a slogan that resonated with their lifes’ events.  When it was my turn to speak, I chose “Let go and let God.”  I chose that one specifically because I’m a control freak.  I have to have order–MY type of order.  I have to know what is going on, who’s doing it, why and whether it has anything to do with me.  When something goes horribly awry and it involves another human being, I tell myself “I gotta fix this shit and FAST.”  I go to say my sorrys and give the person a whole routine, only to have the following happen: 1) either have them tell me that I’m overreacting or 2) they inform me that I used up all my Apology Cards before telling me to “Piss off.”

But in many cases, Dear Reader, I played the role of the Emotional Manipulator.  An emotional manipulator is someone who either utilizes their emotions or that of others to gain what they want.  Whether it was one way or the other, the Target is often played for a fool.  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve done this, Dear Reader–especially to those I was intimate with.  When I wanted attention, I pretended to be interested in my partners and what they were doing, saying how much I wanted/needed them, how cute/sexy they were and what I would do to them if they did what I wanted.  I told these people how much I “loved” them.  If none of that generated results, I would say shit like “That’s too bad.  You’re always doing something, yet I haven’t seen you.  You said you were coming to visit me/spend the night with me/see me.”  The other person then harbored guilty, quickly explaining that they meant no harm.

I’ve done this to my ex-boyfriend many times over.  I would make him feel guilty for leaving and ashamed for dating a teenage girl at 22.  When he refused to talk to me,  I’d go Gorilla Shit on him, making him feel like and look as if he were a fuckin’ pedophile!  As I have said many times before, we stopped speaking to one another and I pretty much went off to find someone else to manipulate. I would twist stories to gain sympathy in order to make myself look like a perpetual victim to the unfortunate souls who listened.  If I were questioned, I would take it as a personal insult or just push the attention away from me in order to not be exposed somehow.  Do not get me wrong, Reader:  I’m a great person and an even better friend!  I would go to bat and even lay my life for the people I care about.  And I don’t wake up in the morning and say to myself “Gee.  I think I want to play the Victim today.”  But I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I was completely honest.  Being an untreated Sex Addict at the time, I didn’t care about the words that came out of my mouth half the time because I was about control, control, control.  I even tried to dominate my own emotions because I felt I needed to protect myself!

The truth dawned on me at the meeting I attended tonight:  I tried to be the Director and–when I fucked up and wrecked someone’s life–I took little to no responsibility.  Bill Wilson (1939) writes “Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame.  He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble?  Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?  Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants?  And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show?  Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?” (p. 61).

My behavior and emotional manipulating kept me stuck until recently.  I used my sexual abuse many times to gain sympathy and wallow in self-pity.  As a result, a seed was planted in my head that someone owed me something for all the pain I went through as a child and as a victim.    This further resulted in me playing the Director of my life and everyone else’s, prompting me to hold on to people and to not letting go.  Creator has no say-so, I thought.  I run this shit here.  And ran I did–right into a mental break.

I’m not saying all this to put myself down or anything of that nature.  I’m only writing this because I realized that I control nothing.  This world and the people dwelling in it is way beyond my grasp.  I cannot change how my fellow human beings feel or think about me and they have the right to live their own lives–to move on–without me using tears, false amends and rage to stand in their way.  When I reflect on my behavior, I see that I wasn’t being my Highest Self, but playing the role of the little girl afraid of being left again.  I took friends and lovers hostage and–when they left my life to live theirs, I flipped the fuck out because then I had no one to shield me from the Dark Passenger and the toxic waste dump piled within me.  The good news is, however, is that I don’t have to live such a life or be that person anymore.  Creator is the Director now and this Light is doing a much better job.

Thank you for listening.  Love you.  Blessed be.

Work Cited

Wilson, B. (1939).  Alcoholics Anonymous:  The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism (4th Ed).  New York City, New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

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