“Get it together
You wanna heal your body
You have to heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap
Get it together”
Welp, dear Readers. The Christmas season is over and we have a few more days before we meet 2012. I don’t know about everyone else, but I think New Year’s Day is the only good day that comes from the winter season. Why? Because this is the day when I can truly start over. New Year’s Day gives me the feeling of having a clean soul and an opportunity to feel fresh.
I feel this way every year: I start over, find out something about myself, my life and that of others for 365 days. Then Winter comes and gets on my nerves and then I get to begin the whole process all over again. But 2011, for me anyway, is different. This year is not like the others for a lot of reasons, one of then being that I realize that I was more wounded than I expected. In fact, this is the year when, after a while, I finally saw that I had to get my shit together–not only physically, but spiritually and mentally.
Let me explain, dear Readers: after about 5 years of going through the recovery process, I somehow decided that I was “ok,” that I didn’t have to attend as many AA meetings, so I stopped all together for the most part. Also, I also didn’t want to delve deep into my personal work pertaining to my sexual abuse so I pretty much push my assignments aside. When I walked into my therapist’s office, I would show up empty handed and intellectualize my feelings–or whatever emotion caught me that day. I found myself not wanting to get up to go to school and when I did, I wanted to go home effective immediately because I didn’t want to be bothered. It was worse over the summer when I really didn’t want to even go outside. I was a member of the International Socialist Organization at the time and going to summer school, so I was overwhelmed with work from both ends. On top of that, I was battling mood swings due to my text arguments with Indiana about his new relationship with his current girlfriend (there was a time that I let our arguments get the best of me to the point of me searching for ways to commit suicide on Google…yeah…fun times). What finally broke me was the trip to Brooklyn when I had my mental break. I either had to get help or die. Luckily I had friends who cared enough about me to talk me into seeing a psychologist. And, for the most part, I’ve been ok ever since. I have my ups and downs, but that comes with being human.
Since moving to Buffalo, I was able to get my head on straight. That was when I finally looked back on my behavior throughout this year and I am really asking myself “What the motherfuck was going on there?” Believe it or not, it took some significant events to shine light on my intolerance and my insanity. Occupy Wall Street brought out the militant Marxist in me; I would openly criticize all things and people Conservative and would not apologize for it. I was even attacking my friends Sue and Corrine (the two women who talked me into getting help after my trip to Brooklyn) because of their Libertarian views and for supporting Capitalism. It took a couple of my Radical friends to make me step back and question my political ideologies and whether or not I was giving anyone the room to have their own political views. After being involved in the movement, I now understand that no one can be left out.
This year, I also learned that I can not force someone to love me. After one too many arguments with Indiana, I had to cut it loose but not without going for his jugular. Some words were exchanged and he told me to piss off–among other things. Looking back on that incident, I now wish I could take everything back. That entire incident–and others–could have been avoided had I just accepted the fact that he has moved on and that I needed to do the same. But I was so blinded by my own selfish anger that I didn’t even care how deep I cut him. No matter how hurt I was (and still am), I had no right going after him or his girlfriend the way I have.
Finally, this is the year I acknowledged how much sex has ruled over my entire existence. After moving to Buffalo, I hit on my roommates and had sex with our door repair guy. It was then that I saw that my sexual acting out was no different from drinking: the secrecy and shame I felt after giving the door repair guy oral sex was like taking a drink and then lying about it. I also noticed that incident resembled my sexual encounter with my one cousin when he asked me to give him oral sex. I was 6 at the time. I felt like that 6 year old girl at 30. And, since I don’t want to feel like that little girl anymore, I started attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. Maybe that’s too much information, but if I don’t tell my truth, who will?
So, there you have it. This year has opened my eyes to the changes I needed to make for myself. And now I’m making those changes. And, because I’m able to be honest about what’s happening to me and for me, I’m able to face the New Year with a sense of peace.