Wanting Something Different–Striving to be Well *Shrug*


Dear Gang,

I have been staring at a damn computer screen all day, so if this post seems a bit loopy, that’s probably why.  But my moods have been up and down again–not only because of the schizo weather changes, but because I’m struggling with my craving for physical intimacy again.

In other words, I want sex with another human being.  And I not only want sex, but the intimacy that comes with it.  You know…intimacy?  The very word I’m afraid to speak out loud.  I treat this word like it’s Voldemort or something.  But that’s how I feel on occasion.  These feelings crept up today when I was sitting in my Multicultural class today.  Now there’s this guy there who is tall and goofy in a White boy kind of way.  He has bright ocean blue eyes that complements his red face (he turns red on the dime–for no particular reason.  Strangeness…).  And he smirks every time someone says something he feels is nonsensical.  This kid is in all of my classes and I sit next to him in one of them.  I tease him on occasion (not in a sexual way) and he pokes back, sometimes playing on the fact that I’m gullible (which may or may not be a good thing).  Since I am not trying to be with anyone, I don’t see myself pursuing this person.  And even if I wanted to, I’d be playing myself like a fucking fool.  You know why?

He has a crush on someone else in the Social Work program.  At least I can say he’s into women with the same skin color as mine.  You know what they say about that *wink and smile*

But all joking aside, seeing how this tall goofy guy and this African-American woman interact with one another frustrates me.  Hold it right there, People.  I am nowhere near jealous of these kids–though I’m disappointed that the possibility of him and I being close like that is shot.  But when I observe their behavior, it seems well…functional.  Especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
See, I’ve rarely dated anyone, so I’m not familiar with the Friendship-Relationship transition.  In fact, I don’t even remember the last time I’ve been on an actual date with a man or otherwise.  The last time a significant other did anything for me was about a few months ago when my ex-girlfriend bought me a heart with a glass bear in the middle of it.  And the mini Reece’s butter cups.

Loves me some Reece’s butter cups.

But all joking aside, sex came first and foremost and oh so very quickly–about a few days kind of quickly. And I expected the person to stay in bed and “in love” with me.  Then the person would leave and I would go on about my day, hoping they’d come back.  Of course, they wouldn’t most of the time but–if they did–it was only for a short while and it usually involved me being “unexpectedly” nude.  So what am I saying here, Gang?  That sex was a huge part of my life; sex was the reason why being an adult wasn’t always so hard and when I was with someone–or a couple of people–I was a live/beautiful/cherished/intrepid human.  I was whole and I felt like what society considers a Normal because I was wanted for the first time.  And, for the first time, I wasn’t ugly/fat/gross/insecure because someone “loved” me enough to have sex with me, of all people.  But guess what?  It doesn’t fucking last long and, like the abuse, it began to burn me alive.  I became dishonest, jealous and petty.  And it became worse.  Much worse.

Until I stopped and got help for my issues with sex and intimacy.

It was then and only then that I slowly began to realize that there is more to a relationship then just holding hands and giving each other Eskimo kisses.  When you bring someone else into your world–survivor or not–shit gets real and people stop being polite.  You have to be honest with that person–share your heart, mind and spirit with them and do so gradually.  At the same time, they have to add to the full life you’ve built for yourself.  If the relationship goes to Hell on Easter–you have your own self-worth to fall back on.  But to even know for sure neither party is making a mistake–they have–you know…develop a friendship first.  Just like the two studentd in my class…

So…even though I want to have sex, I know I don’t want the same drama, different channel. The reason why I am walking the Unknown Path to recovery is because I want something different.   My desire is to learn how to have a ordinary friendship with both men and women without expecting anything other than that: a meaningful friendship. I’m not there yet, for the most part, but I will get there eventually.  Someday, I’ll know what it’s like to be…dare I say it?

Healthy.

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